It was the eve of my birthday and i cannot seem to sleep. My heart was pounding fast and my eyes were wide shut at 2345H.
I never celebrated my birthday since our youngest was born. I told myself I will give that day solely for her. You see, she was born on the night of my 7th birthday. I think i mentioned that somewhere in here a little while back. From then on, i felt a corny "big sister" thing or perhaps an urge to forget about me on that day and just let her celebrate it for herself. Sort of like being in the limelight alone. I thought I had enough attention already being the first-born and being the only one to have experienced being an only child. Weird? Crazy? I don't know.
So a lot of years later - here i am at the eve of my birthday and i am panicking. I cannot seem to know why exactly but i guess it is a mixture of a lot of scary and frustrating things.
For one, i dread to get old - in numbers. I mean i cannot imagine myself telling another soul i am say, 36. Yikes. Or 30. When i was turning 25 i remember having the same feeling. I only want to be 23 forever. I cannot utter 25. Or 30.
And then speaking of getting old, i guess there also comes your accomplishments. But in my case, the lack of it. I dread to get old because it only reiterates how big a loser i am. I mean, you're at this age already and you are just at the same category as that of the newly-grad. How shameful could that get. Although, some select people see me as accomplished, and i don't know why. Sometimes i think they just like to coat me with sugar 'cus they are my friends. But then sometimes it feels like they are sincere when they tell me that. I don't know. I guess self-fulfillment is based on your own perception. Well, that's why it's "self"-fulfillment right? You base it on your own gauge, your ideals, your aspirations versus where you are exactly. And me, my aspirations and my ideals are in two opposite poles. However still, i cannot complain. I love my life and how things turned out to be. I mean yeah, i had one too many failures, but then at the end of the day, i would still hold a cocktail in my hand and drink it with all glory.
There are other things that would link back to frustration, desperation, and cluelessness in general that's why I think i cannot sleep that night. I guess i was just scared of what tomorrow could be for me. I don't want to end up a loser. I don't want to end up unaccomplished. I don't want to be another failure.
I grew up with a lot of ideals in my head and their flames are burning strongly until i reached quarter life i guess. That was the only time when i got a grip of reality and slowly told myself i cannot be the bigot that i secretly am, and that not all dreams come true. This is still very heartbreaking for me. It gives me a lot of Why's to ask, most especially, why cannot it happen? I cannot believe that there are things impossible.
As unsure of things as always, I guess i would just have to keep going and hope that i will still hold a cocktail drink in my hand when the warm amber sun sets.
I never celebrated my birthday since our youngest was born. I told myself I will give that day solely for her. You see, she was born on the night of my 7th birthday. I think i mentioned that somewhere in here a little while back. From then on, i felt a corny "big sister" thing or perhaps an urge to forget about me on that day and just let her celebrate it for herself. Sort of like being in the limelight alone. I thought I had enough attention already being the first-born and being the only one to have experienced being an only child. Weird? Crazy? I don't know.
So a lot of years later - here i am at the eve of my birthday and i am panicking. I cannot seem to know why exactly but i guess it is a mixture of a lot of scary and frustrating things.
For one, i dread to get old - in numbers. I mean i cannot imagine myself telling another soul i am say, 36. Yikes. Or 30. When i was turning 25 i remember having the same feeling. I only want to be 23 forever. I cannot utter 25. Or 30.
And then speaking of getting old, i guess there also comes your accomplishments. But in my case, the lack of it. I dread to get old because it only reiterates how big a loser i am. I mean, you're at this age already and you are just at the same category as that of the newly-grad. How shameful could that get. Although, some select people see me as accomplished, and i don't know why. Sometimes i think they just like to coat me with sugar 'cus they are my friends. But then sometimes it feels like they are sincere when they tell me that. I don't know. I guess self-fulfillment is based on your own perception. Well, that's why it's "self"-fulfillment right? You base it on your own gauge, your ideals, your aspirations versus where you are exactly. And me, my aspirations and my ideals are in two opposite poles. However still, i cannot complain. I love my life and how things turned out to be. I mean yeah, i had one too many failures, but then at the end of the day, i would still hold a cocktail in my hand and drink it with all glory.
There are other things that would link back to frustration, desperation, and cluelessness in general that's why I think i cannot sleep that night. I guess i was just scared of what tomorrow could be for me. I don't want to end up a loser. I don't want to end up unaccomplished. I don't want to be another failure.
I grew up with a lot of ideals in my head and their flames are burning strongly until i reached quarter life i guess. That was the only time when i got a grip of reality and slowly told myself i cannot be the bigot that i secretly am, and that not all dreams come true. This is still very heartbreaking for me. It gives me a lot of Why's to ask, most especially, why cannot it happen? I cannot believe that there are things impossible.
As unsure of things as always, I guess i would just have to keep going and hope that i will still hold a cocktail drink in my hand when the warm amber sun sets.
