30

It was the eve of my birthday and i cannot seem to sleep. My heart was pounding fast and my eyes were wide shut at 2345H.

I never celebrated my birthday since our youngest was born. I told myself I will give that day solely for her. You see, she was born on the night of my 7th birthday. I think i mentioned that somewhere in here a little while back. From then on, i felt a corny "big sister" thing or perhaps an urge to forget about me on that day and just let her celebrate it for herself. Sort of like being in the limelight alone. I thought I had enough attention already being the first-born and being the only one to have experienced being an only child. Weird? Crazy? I don't know.

So a lot of years later - here i am at the eve of my birthday and i am panicking. I cannot seem to know why exactly but i guess it is a mixture of a lot of scary and frustrating things.

For one, i dread to get old - in numbers. I mean i cannot imagine myself telling another soul i am say, 36. Yikes. Or 30. When i was turning 25 i remember having the same feeling. I only want to be 23 forever. I cannot utter 25. Or 30.

And then speaking of getting old, i guess there also comes your accomplishments. But in my case, the lack of it. I dread to get old because it only reiterates how big a loser i am. I mean, you're at this age already and you are just at the same category as that of the newly-grad. How shameful could that get. Although, some select people see me as accomplished, and i don't know why. Sometimes i think they just like to coat me with sugar 'cus they are my friends. But then sometimes it feels like they are sincere when they tell me that. I don't know. I guess self-fulfillment is based on your own perception. Well, that's why it's "self"-fulfillment right? You base it on your own gauge, your ideals, your aspirations versus where you are exactly. And me, my aspirations and my ideals are in two opposite poles. However still, i cannot complain. I love my life and how things turned out to be. I mean yeah, i had one too many failures, but then at the end of the day, i would still hold a cocktail in my hand and drink it with all glory.

There are other things that would link back to frustration, desperation, and cluelessness in general that's why I think i cannot sleep that night. I guess i was just scared of what tomorrow could be for me. I don't want to end up a loser. I don't want to end up unaccomplished. I don't want to be another failure.

I grew up with a lot of ideals in my head and their flames are burning strongly until i reached quarter life i guess. That was the only time when i got a grip of reality and slowly told myself i cannot be the bigot that i secretly am, and that not all dreams come true. This is still very heartbreaking for me. It gives me a lot of Why's to ask, most especially, why cannot it happen? I cannot believe that there are things impossible.

As unsure of things as always, I guess i would just have to keep going and hope that i will still hold a cocktail drink in my hand when the warm amber sun sets.

BICOL

On the weekend of Halloween this year, 2008, my officemates planned a trip to Bicol. Two of them hail from the province on the southern part of Luzon. They invited us to join them for a short vacation where we can even bring our children with us. And so the trip was set.

We left Manila an hour before midnight on Thursday, October 30^th. Backpacks were filled with sporty outfits and a few pairs of swim wear since Bicol offers a lot of sights and beaches. We also had our bags full of bottled water and chips and cookies. I even brought two of our most comfy pillows for the long drive. I have to make sure these things are covered during long trips because I have two kids to take care of all by myself.

And so the 12-hour journey began. We hit the South Luzon Expressway which looked far less than a midnight drive because of all the other motorists taking advantage of the Halloween weekend. A good number could be driving down their hometowns to celebrate the Filipino tradition of All Soul’s Day. For Filipinos, Halloween is not the typical Treat or Tricking in costumes but a time to camp overnight to their loved ones’ graves. Growing up, I experienced neither.

Our first pit stop was in Lucena, Quezon. It was a lively pit stop since there’s a bar on the side of the Total Fuel Station and people are indeed rockin’ it! It was interesting. But then I headed right back to the van not because I am sleepy but I am feeling dizzy already.

Reaching the National Park in Eme, Quezon was sad because it was too dark to appreciate the beauty of the winding road amidst the flora! Well, better luck next time.

After finishing the movie Charlie Bartlett, I am then ready to rest my eyes before I even feel further nauseous. Making sure my kids were all bundled up and comfy, I too found a comfy nook in the van and took my mobile sleep. (Yawn!)

Light was starting to show when we had our next stop. We were already in Camarines Norte – the last town before the more famous CamSur. Please don’t expect me to mention the names of the towns because I was not even paying attention. All I know is that we were going to Bicol. From here on, I was awake to appreciate the land I have never set eyes on. The roads of Bicol were much like the roads of going home to our province – in Isabela. While gazing through the endless sight of coconut trees and homey cottages, I cannot help but miss going back home up north. I must say though, that Bicol, just from what I saw during the drive was beautiful. The mountains were like painted by a first-grader – perfectly-shaped and perfectly green. The rice fields were even reminiscent of a typical Filipino painting. The gloomy and cloudy morning was sweet in the scenery I have never seen before. I was already enjoying my first hour in Bicol.

I think I was still able to take a short nap before we reached my officemate’s own home. We will have breakfast here and meet his own parents. Nothing can beat breakfast amidst the famous Mt. Mayon – Philippines’ pride and Philippines’ perfect cone volcano. It just rained the night before hence Mariang Magayon would shy behind the thick clouds every once in a while.

After breakfast, we then hit the road back but made a quick visit at the Cagsawa Ruins. There, we were able to appreciate the Mayon Volcano better and took better photos. It would have been the best photos had the sun not been a little stingy and at least showed up even for a little bit. But it’s all good. Seeing the enchanting beauty of Mt. Mayon and setting foot on the ruins of Cagsawa were more than enough an experience.

And so we proceeded with our last leg of the long trip. We will finally reach our destination – Sorsogon. We all cannot wait! After another couple of hours and another last pit stop, we were finally in Sorsogon. Hearty home-cooked lunch was already waiting for us. Fresh crabs, giant squid, crunchy greens, and freshly grilled fish. Talk about a big treat for a long, grueling drive! ;-)

We just took a little rest, set up our stuff in our cottage in a resort nearby and the kids were then itching for a good swim. And the grown-ups won’t let them still. We drove another half an hour first to visit a lagoon off another beach’s shore. The kids can’t get enough of fun! After nearly two hours, we headed back to the resort where the kids continued their big itch for the waves of Bacon, Sorsogon. The waves were mighty yet fun. The joy and the excitement in the kids’ faces are priceless. The photos are an immortal proof.

I thought the spaghetti and bread that was served was good for dinner already. But it was only an afternoon snack. The real dinner should be awaited for, I tell you. Dinner was indeed as hearty as lunch – special dinuguan, grilled pork belly, laing, and of course, fish. Nobody can’t get enough of food to eat – you will well know you are in vacation alright! ;-) We ended the night with a bottle of light beer each and a good cold shower.

The next day was not enough for us to visit the scenic places around Sorsogon. But after lunch, when we thought we cannot carry our big bellies anymore, we jam-packed the van and hit the road to see more of relaxing Bicol. We stopped and took photos of Rizal Beach. The sand was so fine and there are Dippin’ Dots all over the shore! It was so cute! This was made by the tiny crabs digging tiny holes all over the beach and throwing the little balls of sand back to the ground. And the whole shore – it does not seem to end like the blue horizon before us. Before finally going back to our seats, there were two old ladies selling souvenirs – of course we bought some. They were not only ingenious in design but they are indeed cute!

After another hour or so, we were now up in the mountains. It is driving through a rain forest where the giant ferns greet you on your way up to Bulusan Lake. Though the skies were cloudy and actually gloomy, we never stopped taking pictures still. Thank man for built-in flash, our faces were still seen in the photos! ;-) Bulusan was serene and certainly has a calming effect. It’s like being in the Sudan (not so sure) Mountains from the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Though my body didn’t fly and float in the magical forest, my spirits were none the less gliding serenely through nature’s own gift.

Before we head back, we visited one of their friends in that town. And I must say that for two days, we were never made to feel like strangers yet. Filipinos are indeed very friendly and hospitable. They even cooked local pancit for us and served us freshly-brewed coffee and soda for the kids. When dark set in, we hit the road back to Bacon. Dinner was yet to come but we first paid a visit to our hostess’ in-laws. They are the friendliest and the loveliest in-laws you could imagine. Not to mention the prettiest too. It is like meeting in person a used-to-be famous celebrity couple. Seeing their old pictures on display, I had to catch my jaw drop for they are the most beautiful people I have met in person. You can just think back how not-pretty you are. Haha!

So we headed back to our hostess’ lovely home for dinner. You guessed it right - dinner was superbly awesome – squid, grilled chicken, crabs and veggied young jackfruit, and sweet and sour Lapu-Lapu fish.

After a little rest, we walked through the old church to the cemetery to say a short prayer for their loved ones’ who have already passed away. During that short walk, we did not only try to scare ourselves, but we also reveled in the cloudless dark sky studded with all the stars the naked eye could witness. It was the loveliest Halloween evening. This was enough for us to retire for the night and get a good rest for our trip back home the next day.

And so the heartbreaking day has come. We woke up and packed our cluttered stuff back to our backpacks, took a shower, put our sunglasses on, and went to have breakfast first. During breakfast, the kids caught up for Halloween and got dressed in their own costumes. They wore these get-ups until we were done with breakfast, and until we were done making our series of stops to say our temporary goodbyes to their relatives. It was already almost lunch time before we really hit the long drive home. We also stopped by to buy pasalubong (presents) and bought local lanterns that are just beautiful in their lively colors! We had lunch a few towns away at our other officemate’s house.

The sun was at its peak when we hit the REAL drive home. I was accompanied by two movies while on this drive. But I liked (re)watching the second movie I popped in my computer – Because I Said So. It is a very entertaining movie. Gabriel Macht never misses to infect me with his full, heartfelt smiles. He melts me. ;-)

And then I was starting to feel nauseous again when I decided I should take a nap before breakfast and lunch spray all over the car. Woops, did I just gross you out? Sorry! :-p

It was already dusk and we were still in Bicol soils. We had an 8o’clock dinner somewhere in Quezon Province. And right after that, me and my kids slept all the way through. Instinct or what-not, I woke up right on time to remind myself on telling my sister what time we should be picked up! Photo finish, it was. We were dropped off in Alabang around midnight. After a quick drive-thru the ever dependable Uncle Ronald McDonald, we finally drove home.

It was one in the morning, and our stories cannot wait until the next day. Hitting the bed at around half past two in the morning, feeling tired was unknown. With smiles on our faces, we slept with the fun memories of Bicol.

Donsol for whale watching is definitely next on the list, the springs and water falls, and forest trekking we missed out on. Wakeboarding in CamSur, boating, and more surfs to jump in. The lovely photos we could take in Caramoan. These and those yet to be discovered. So many sights, so many things to do, so little time for Bicol. We will thus see her again.

Mabuhay!

Anawangin - One with nature

Hi there!

I have just been on a little trip to Zambales with my good friends and my kids. We went to Anawangin Cove and stayed there for two days and a night. Well what can I say - it was an enchanting place. Just off Pundakit on the boat, everything just started to look and feel majestic. The waters were high when we went there and my fears of the open sea were just compensated with the beautiful scenery. It’s like being in a live postcard.

The drive was smooth and easy. But it wasn’t short, no. Plus I was not driving that’s why it was easy ;-) I’m sorry Mike that you had to drive all the way and back. Well, you were never a passenger since the first day we met a few (read: many, many, many) years back. So anyway, from South Luzon Expressway to the North Luzon Expressway and still all the way to the new Subic-Clark-Tarlac Expressway, we hit Pundakit and parked at a little barrio with the friendliest people. Romy, Mike’s contact person and our new friend, couldn’t hide his sheepish grin on our stuff alone – it needs a whole boat by itself! But they were very nice and helped us carry all our shhhtuff. You’ll guess we’re the people who definitely don’t want to get hungry.

We were greeted by Manang Ligaya and her son Max and her apo Robert. They set up our table, benches, and we started putting up our respective tents while having our coffee. We are not really campers nor mountaineers so we made a lot of big fuss about setting up our newly-bought tents but sure did have a lot of fun (and pictures) out of that task.

We then started preparing our lunch – grilled tilapia, chicken barbeque, hotdogs for the kids, ensaladang talong, and of course rice. And as Pinoys as we are, with that tinge of Spanish blood and influence, we had our siesta. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ………

Come mid afternoon we started trekking the woods – there’s a forest of pines at the back and streams. We walked along the stream while (of course) taking pictures of every tree, every rock, every flow of water, every puff of clouds, and every step of our way. At the end of the whole stream you will see how the river meets the sea. From that end you can see and feel and majestic presence of nature. The waves are great and fun. The mountain peaks make a bold statement. The ocean reveals its grand existence. And our joys can never be kept.

We bathed in the entertaining dance of the surf until dusk and took our baths at the good old poso. We prepared our dinner afterwards – sinigang from our neighboring campers (these are the experts – they are hard core mountaineers), more grilled tilapia and chicken barbeque, grilled zucchini (yes you read that right – z-u-c-c-h-i-n-i), green bell peppers, tomatoes, and of course some of that tender juicy hotdogs. We had stuck marshmallows on sticks and burned them over fire for dessert – this time Joel had quickly set up a bonfire at the front our tents. Afterwards, we walked in the shallow part of the woods to greet the fireflies and revel in how they lit up the tree tops. And before we scare ourselves in the woods, we headed back to the beach and just listened to the growling waves hitting the shore. The air was sweet and the night was indeed lovely.

Waking in the cool morning breeze is certainly my most favorite part of being away from the city. I cannot help but remember spending our summer vacation in the valleys with that distinct fresh scent and sweet gusts of wind.

We did our little trekking back again and even hiked up the mountain on the side. I am blessed to have adventurous children who just love and appreciate the beauty and gift of nature. We played with the exciting waves until it exhausted all the coffee, the cereals, the sardines, the danggit, the wheat bread, the peanut butter, and the fried rice we had just a few hours earlier.

It was heartbreaking leaving the shores of Anawangin. It was hard to smile and wave goodbye to Max and Robert, and later on to Manang Ligaya. It was not easy to go back to reality and snap out of the Anawangin enchantment we had for two days. But the memories will always be great.

Until we meet again…

Falling in love and staying in it.

Photo used without permission.

Love has always been an easy topic for writing something. I doubt if there are still people who has not fallen in love.

Here is an email I sent myself as an outlet a little while back.

Anyway, my inspiration for writing this whatever-it-is is my meeting with Emma, Tom, Ryan and Justin yesterday. I suddenly missed writing down my thoughts when Emma and I were alone at first- we talked about her latest ordeal with her husband, her seeming regrets. Her wanting to be wanted and to be special. I can totally relate. And I wanted to tell her so much about how /// but of course, I can't be insensitive enough to rob her of her piece and rub in her seeming sadness with how great /// and all that.

Hence... Here it is...

Hi there. It’s been a while since I sat down in front of the computer to write something about my thoughts. And today I will attempt to do so. My chosen topic would be about FALLING IN LOVE and BEING IN LOVE. Cliché? Yes, it could be; but as a cliché as it is, people still fret about this thing called love. We all go gaga over love. That’s not the mere reason why I itch to write about the topic today though. Yesterday, after not seeing each other for ages, me and my closest friends decided to meet for dinner and a movie. I first picked up my friend Emma (not her true name) and waited for our other friends in our favorite mall. For about two hours, she updated me with what’s going on lately with her, her struggle as a wife, about being a woman and (not) feeling like one. Occasionally, I would pitch in my own experiences, my own thoughts and my own feelings. It was fun and sad at the same time. I have never seen her eyes with sadness and regrets before. Emma has always been the happy type of person; her presence would never ever bring in a stain of sad feelings. She had been in love and now she doubts it. I have never met a person who has not been in love yet. I just couldn’t remember a day in my life when I haven’t thought of falling in love and being in love. Now that I have grown, sometimes I think I was a pathetic kid, growing up always wondering about love. Looking for the right one. Waiting for my knight in shining armor. Hoping to be Cinderella.

I have stumbled into falling in love a few times. Infatuation when I was younger and a taste of true love later on – or so I thought. Yes, I can say that now because now I know for sure I have seen true love. And I realized true love isn’t perfect at all. It’s not what I had read in those romance paper back novels nor was it even close to the feel-good-movies I so love to watch. But the feeling – it’s magical. It is not just like having a crush when I was growing up where the clouds are always puffy, the wind is blowing with jest, and you smile secretly and sometimes even catch your self smiling all of a sudden. I knew for sure it was true love because I want to preach about it. I want to tell every soul I come across to how great it is to be in love, how lucky I am experiencing the rare opportunity. I want to tell them how to spot true love, when to know it is indeed true love. Crazy isn’t it? And the feeling, it is more than just seeing puffy clouds and smiling secretly, it is literally feeling your heart jump out of your chest! That is how I felt; I can literally hear my heart pounding, and I fall for the same person who makes me feel this way every time I see him. I myself cannot believe how he makes me fall for him over and over again. And when I see or do things, everything reminds me of him, and I always all of a sudden realize “I love that guy.” I have told him more than a few times that I had never been certain about anything in this world but one – I love him and that will keep on going on and on and on… And I also know for sure that my love for him will keep on growing stronger each day of my life. I had never been that in love before and I know for sure I will never ever be again. That was it.

/// I have found true love in the most unsuitable situation wearing the most inappropriate shoes. It was just too strong for me to resist. And it felt immaculately right amidst the entire chaotic backdrop. Thus, selfishly, I never let go of my true love. I just can’t. His arms were the only place I felt safe in, his presence made me feel I am special and lucky, and the most phenomenal of all /// He is the only person I would want to see before I close my eyes and sleep; the only person I would want to see first thing in the morning. He is the only person I want to experience life with. I literally breathe this person I so truly love and I knew I would just die being away from him. It is just sad that I experience true love in a world that is not exactly existing. /// Still, I am grateful to have fallen in true love and I would never choose otherwise. Hence, I am staying in it.

Some pieces of thoughts

Hey ya!

Remember when i posted something about "when blogs were unheard of?" Well this posting will be something somewhere in there too. But these ones are topics picked by my Litt professor a while back. I enjoyed that early morning class because of his one-page assignments. I can even remember him saying anything beyond page one will no longer be read; but he also mentioned something like your page does not necessarily have to be a typical short bond paper or an A4. It could be whole cardboard or Manila Paper for all he cares. As long as it is written in a one-page output. That was really cool huh? And sarcastic actually. That professor of mine was actually pretty filled with sarcasm most times - all the time! But I still like him.

Well, here are three of my homework under Professor Sarcasm:

Assignment #1: If you only have 24 hours to live, how would you spend it?

24 Hours to Live

If I had only twenty-four hours to live, I would start my life at the fifth hour, while everything else is still and silence is prevalent. I will indulge in this tranquility, will take a deep breath and listen to the sounds coming from within and feel the uninteresting void. I will then know what a heartbeat really is, and what the damp dawn wind truly feels. The soft cool breeze weaving in my every pore and the smell of the crisp morning air will never be as implausible as this one would be. I will witness the most exhilarating and optimistic sunrise as I attest to the alive and beautiful colors of the earth. I will dance happily to the tunes of nature, walk barefoot on the cool and ticklish grass, jump in excitement, roll over the meadow and embrace the joyful flowers. I will taste the morning dew, splash my face with cold water from the stream and get soaked with the freshwater creatures. I will devour on the freshly picked fruits and I will linger among the big barks of the lush trees. I will lie on the velvety ground and smile big time to the sunlight! I will write a poem about the great privilege of being such a proof of how wonderful life is. I will write my brood each a letter, my love for them, the ablaze inspiration they keep on giving me, the gift that they are which has kept me breathing. I will encourage them to stop and smell the roses, to be brave and be crazy, to laugh heartily and cry tremendously, to be hurt to know how to love and to stumble to be able to carry on. I will ask them to bend their knees to be uplifted, to keep their mouths closed when there is nothing good to say and to learn to be able to teach. I will give them a toast as well to their posterity.
I will culminate my day by gathering my precious ones; we will pray together, thank the Lord and give Him praise. We will lie together in one bed, I will hold them close as if I am never letting go, I will stare at the dark oblivion until I lose myself serenely.

Assignment #2: Would you exist to live or live to exist?

Exist to live or Live to exist?

This question is personally confusing for me and interesting as well. It raises another question in thought: would you rather live or exist? Is there really a difference between the two or this is merely a play on words? None the less, this is where the flow of my thoughts will start until I find out for myself as well, would I exist to live or live to exist? First, let me aver my judgment on life. To live is to employ life; it is beyond breathing, not merely taking your meals everyday, not just waking up in the morning to work. The rout nary things we do everyday for the most part compose our life. The other things, like our plans fill in the rest. The ‘other things’ may comprise of what we want to do for a living, our aspirations, where do we plan to spend the next summer, which restaurant would we spend our weekend get-together with friends, and all the other things which, so as we humans say it “spice up our life.” Living is painting one’s life with colors one sees amiable- that is my stance. On the other hand, I will now profess my stand on existence, at least what I think it is. To exist is to celebrate life and give a name to it. It is giving meaning to life and engraving it in the hearts and minds of others. To exist is to have a purpose, not just goals. It is contributing something to this world. It is not only having people be a part of your life but being a part of another being’s life as well. It is not only experiencing how to love and be loved back, it is showing another person what love is, giving that person an experience he or she will treasure for all of reality. To exist does not only know the beauty of life, it is being a part of it. To exist is to exhaust one’s self to all the emotions man has known and afar. To exist is to make a mark on this world. It is not being passive, it is not living alone, it is being a part of life. It is about knowing why we are here. It is minding others’ business, caring for them, it is getting involved. To exist is not only being alive, it is also being life-giving. It is not only empathizing with the oppressed but also doing something to uplift their spirits and actually, their lives. It is not all about sympathizing with the poor, it is embracing them and leading them the path to hope and a tangible tomorrow. To exist is not only passing through this lifetime, it is being a remarkable part of this lifetime. Having said all these now draws me to what I truly value, to what my answer is to the outstanding question, it has led me to realize my genuine purpose: to exist. I, Esabela, live to exist.

Assignment #3: What is one thing you would do for love?

One thing for love

Love. Oh, love. The one thing that could change everything about a person’s life. The many splendor thing. The one thing that makes the world go round, the one thing that makes people lose their sanity, and sometimes tragically, lose their life. All the wonderful and bizarre things in the name of love. Love is all we need. All these and more about love, the list can go on as far as the distant horizon. I myself have experienced love, have loved and been loved or so I hope. I have done crazy things for love, fought with my own parents for love, denied myself of a career and happiness for love. ///As my favorite poem says it, "someone, one someone who makes my days brighter, my joys greater and my heart lighter. Someone I want so to share with, do everything with, and go everywhere with..." /// I will follow the rules for love. I will play it straight. I have already come to realize that I am done with being foolish for love, done with breaking all the rules and doing it my own way. I have realized treating love with such negligence has just the same left me neglected. The tragedies, so to speak I have experienced will never be the events I will learn a lesson of love from. It is with the love I have right now that I will carry on and it is the same love that will give a smile on my face at any given time of the day. I will be able to care for love only by truly caring for it. To let love in one’s life is like entering a room of eggshell flooring and walking on it. To dance with love is like skating on thin ice. Therefore, to be able for love to stick it out with me, I will make sure to do everything to be worthy of love. I will only be honest and trustworthy to start with. I will think twice before doing anything that would in one way or another, affect or risk love. I will act maturely for love’s sake. I will watch my behavior for love’s sake. I will strive to be wise for love. I will have a good heart for love. No frills, nothing fancy, no more things so crazy, no more acts reckless and folly. No more small talks and shallow, meaningless words on love, only big gestures that truly celebrate love. I can never afford to go wrong anymore. To lose love and search the world over for another is just another tragedy. I am done with tragedies. This time, only fond memories. I will take love seriously. I will play the rules for love. I will play it straight.

Have fun today!

When Blogs were unheard of

Hi!

I would like to share with you pieces of mind when Blogs were unheard of - or at least in my world and my friends' worlds as well. Since I was a kid, I loved writing down my thoughts on whatever things. It used to be in the form of poems when I was in gradeschool. It moved up to letter-like essays. Then adolescence creeped up in my veins and made me a little weird - these essays (very short essays) became diary postings - it's just that they were addressed to myself not to a "Dear Diary." And then I got caught up with email and these "postings" or whatever I do just to serve as an outlet of my thoughts became self-addressed emails. I hope I don't scare you. It's just that I like to have literary (or so i hope!) outlets but I never wanted to actually send them to friends or whoever. I feel like I am violating their right to have a good day in life with my senseless thoughts. I don't want to waste anybody's time (except for my friend Karen - I always bug her) and I don't want to affect others of my melancholy and all the sorts that I could be.

So here are a few of my insanity MANY YEARS BACK:

FLIMSY

A quiet night on my way home... Driving alone on a slightly damp road, raindrops calmly resting on the car windows, nice n’ easy music, and a luminous shine slowly paving a dimly lit path. A perfect moment that surely brought about flashes of memories that gave me the same exact feeling I have had long since. A feeling that is rather whimsical and estranged but never do I know its name. A feeling which gives a certain kind of smile, a certain kind of contentment. A feeling that makes me look up to the sky then lets my spirit be one with the void. A feeling that gives me no pressures and promises me nothing at all. It’s a feeling that lets me go on driving without thinking on how to drive. A feeling that lets me adore the lonely night sky. A feeling that lets me live my dreams. A feeling which sort of lifts me up, sways me gently, and wraps me in a cool touch of breeze. It’s something that would want to satisfy my need for writing about it then never would know what would come next. A feeling that would then take everything about my whole being and then leave it lost…

And another one: Intellectual Affair

I once asked a friend what is his greatest fear. After he got to share his thoughts, I shared mine. Here it is: (wait, wouldn’t it be too conceited to always discuss about one's own thoughts?) Hope it's not, just want to share...

Right now one of the things I fear is having an intellectual affair with someone. "Affair" for this matter would not actually mean something that would lead to some "worldly" interests. Perhaps a romantic or passionate attachment of limited time frame and/or a lively enthusiasm is acceptable. I added that having this rather platonic kind of relationship is even more alarming than the usual affairs where intelligent love does not exist but lust prevails. For in this kind of relationship, you will be more attached that letting go will never be easy. A person who is intellectually stimulating is justifiably hard to find than someone who has the right curves and (dirty) looks. Being involved in such a special relationship is like being stuck in a pit of quick sand; only you will be in a perplexing situation whether to choose being devoured by the sticky trap- another uncertainty incognito, or dig up, fight it and wish to forget it the minute you make your first step away. And if you would try to decipher this with your conscience, you would surely be bothered by guilt for you have been struck by a strong adhesion not a single wink could possibly vanish...

And another one: 24 hours

A friend once asked me how do I ideally want to spend 24 hours. After a few moments here's what I have shared:
I would like to spend 24 hours in a serene place where (from my previous mail) the air is sweet and pure, the scenery is lush, and where my memories would last... I would be sitting in a trunk of tree lying on a bed of soft grass with green pasture all over, the mountains at the back and the infinite horizon from the sea in front. A soda or a bottle of water would be nice while there is still sunlight, and I don’t think two cans of beer ;-D would hurt when day light goes out. If it's okei, I’d be smoking a stick or two while staring at the crystal waters of the sea. To even make it more romantic, moonlight should be over our heads... Of course I should be with someone while I luxuriate in this fantasy. Though that someone wouldn't have to be someone with a romantic interest in me (or vice versa) as long as we share the same interests (he or she wouldn’t be there had he or she wanted to be in a bar or some place else, right?), not necessarily the same views, but definitely someone who somewhat enjoys boredom. And by the way, please take note that while we're having the whatever conversations we might be bringing up, we are only looking at same direction and just glancing at each other once in a while. I am the person who doesn’t dig talking while staring both at the same time. Now I really don’t know how I will end this. Perhaps because me and that person will just wait for the sunrise to come (if we were able to resist getting sleepy, I’m a sleepy head that's why) or what do you know one of us may just be enjoying sunrise while the other had fallen asleep on the other's shoulder or on the other's lap.

Well, that's about what I was able to dig from my really old files. Til next time! Tata!

Travels

Hi there!

I have never met a soul who does not want to travel. A lot of people would want to see places and faces, experience cultures and norms, and most especially give one’s palate a whole lot of interesting treats. I myself love to travel. So if I really have the chance to see places, I take it and enjoy it. Whether visiting a local food joint at a nearby town, visiting relatives in the province, driving for about an hour for coffee and raisin bread, getting a massage two hours away from where I live, or just missing that coconut pie and driving back to my previous university – these things and more are travels for me. My mind travels with the scenic views outside my car window, my spirits travel with the clouds above my head, and my smiles fly in the air and hope any one of them will infect another soul. This is traveling for me. Smiling to a stranger, asking them to take your photo, trying a completely strange local food, stepping on its soil, observing the local faces, making a conversation with a by-stander, and ultimately, trying to be a local is the main purpose of my travels. The only thing that I like to be tagged as foreigner about when traveling is how a true foreign traveler can be really keen and interested in his strange surroundings. Having the heart and the mind open enough to accept another’s customs and traditions, having the discipline to respect these customs and traditions, being “game” in trying what the locals are actually having – music, food, clothing, and even sometimes their shelter. Traveling for me is trying to blend in. Traveling is amusing in everything that is coming your way. There is no bad experience in traveling – that’s what’s good about it. Everything becomes a fond memory you will miss or you might laugh about later on.

I particularly love local travels, not necessarily big trips but just simple, convenient visits and short drives. Why, there you go, I just mentioned why. It’s fast, convenient, and short. You don’t have to plan for it for a long time for it to materialize. It can be a spur-of-the-moment thing. You can just take the keys and drive south for a Sunday mass then have lunch or dinner in the vicinity. Simple. No frills, no calling-in-sick dramas, no fuss. Just drive and go. You don’t even have to prepare anything, not even a changing shirt if it’s just a one-day trip. It’s just like visiting a high-school friend and going back home later during the day. The best thing about short, local travels is that you can’t get enough of them. You go home and you feel like you need another day, and another day, and another day. It teases you and urges you to come back for some more. And you will come back for some more because first and foremost you didn’t feel bad losing a lot of money on it. Like I said, it’s just like a simple visit to an old friend. What you shelled out, if ever you did, did not do a lot of damage. Local travels end up being more fun because of the excitement you had on the way there – when you just woke up and you thought you wanted to take a swim in the ocean and bathe in the sand, and then you took some shirts, towel, sunscreen and your keys. Then you drove to your best bud’s house and woke him up too and told him you’re going to the beach. The lack of planning makes it really exciting. I have friends like that. Karen and I are like that. We live about 45 kilometers apart so what we do is meet in our favorite mall and then take one of our cars and just drive 65kilometers away for coffee, for snacks, or just for some pictures! Mike, Joel, and Rico would take you to a little bit farther than that. They will take you to a couple-day’s trip to a beach at least 100 kilometers away. My local travels with friends and family are always fun. I love taking my kids to nearby towns and cities for golf practice, for some halo-halo, lunch or dinner, or for a swim. They are a handful so short trips are always appropriate. ;-)
Travels abroad are also fun of course. There’s nothing like discovering for yourself places, cultures, food, and faces you just read in books or you just see on TV. There’s nothing like going home and be a living testimony of another’s customs and practices. Seeing for yourself what you just used to hear gives you a boost that is hard to describe in words. But whether you like it or not, you feel like you have gained some knowledge more than what books and blogs say. And you actually did gain true knowledge from your foreign experience. I believe I have already mentioned particularly liking (loving!) Shanghai. I love walking in the big streets of Shanghai. Jinxiu Lu will never be strange to my feet. I can also remember having a very short trip to Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) a good while back. I love that place too. I like how simple but how exciting it could be in there. I love the scooters and checking out things riding one. You will never have an idle time in Saigon. There will always be things to do, food to eat, and streets to walk on. I have had other Asian trips but they are so long ago I don’t think they are still relevant. ;-p

Another kind of travel would be traveling from home – watching the travel channel! Oh how I love shows pertaining to travel and food. And for someone like me, the travel channel would be enough to satisfy my curiosity. And if fate and luck allow it, sooner or later perhaps I can see for it myself with my own loved ones too!

Shanghai Nostalgia

Hi there!

Since I have started updating this site I have just been on a roll! There are tons of things I want to post and just want to get out of my chest - and my mind. :-)

I just want to share my nostalgia of Shanghai for at least four weeks now. I was fortunate enough to make about four trips to Shanghai, China. One for about ten days, one for over a week, one for less than a week and another for a few days. My first Shanghai trip was in September 2007 i think. Or was it October? Anyway, I was enchanted by the place. You cannot even communicate decently but you definitely will not feel lost or even the possibility of it. And I felt like I want to get lost to the streets of Shanghai. The people were nice, the streets are wide and clean, food is neverending, massage is everywhere, supermarkets are abundant (i love supermarkets that's why i mentioned that), and the feeling of being there is just very warm for me. I have been to the Pudong area of Shanghai. And these things i have mentioned about the place may not strike any one of you but for me it does because I came from a place where the major roads are crammed up and don't even look like highways. Where even the Central Business District could be unsafe and not really clean and green. Where the people are selectively friendly - although my fellowmen are known to be hospitable people. But I guess nowadays they aren't anymore - except when you are a foreigner in our soil! I came from a place where food is abundant but are devoid of the "tastiness" or even the enthusiasm that should have went with it while it was prepared. You should go home to the province to your mom and pop or their old folks to be able to find a good meal that was prepared with love. It is just really disappointing sometimes because our race is not like that. Our culture is not like that. We are not only nice people, we have a lot of skills and talents that should be used correctly because we have so much potential. And all these frustrations were compensated to me by Shanghai, China. After my first trip, my heart was literally brokenhearted having to leave and head home. I liked Shanghai so much I wished me and my children could live there, even for just a few years. Now i have less or no chance at all in going back there, i even feel much brokenhearted.

I will miss walking for half an hour to buy some goodies at the supermarket, all the green tea ice cream I could have, all the green tea goodies - biscuits, candies, chips, gum, etc., the shopping, the haggling, the parks and kids. The spinach bun i love sooooo much, the KFC New Orleans sandwich, their egg flan at KFC or egg pie was it, the noodles and all the mushrooms you can find, the e-bikes, the mini-vans, the trees, the huge Century Park, the buildings, the apartment complex, the Spring Festival, and the winter. I really believe I can live in Shanghai.

Now, it just leaves me its memories - fond Shanghai memories and uncertainties of seeing it again.

*-* M E *-*

Hi there!

Here I am finally making time to "write" something on this webpage. If not for my Grad School Professor who required us to put up an own personal site, or something to that matter. She would have accepted a personal page on a social networking site, but i am not a member of any. Though I know it would have been easier setting up a membership on a social networking site, I just opted on updating this blog site and gladly thought of it as an opportunity for me to really be a part of the new generation. Keeping with the times can sometimes cost you some effort and time right?

So first of all, I would like to start this off by telling you who I am. Or let's make that What I Am. I am at least a 6-in-1 person. I am first and foremost a mother - I have two children, a boy and a girl who are 8 and 6, respectively. I am also a daughter - of course right? :-) but i am not exactly sure if I am playing this part convincingly. I must admit that I have a lot of baggage when it comes to being a daughter to my parents. Let's leave that for now I guess. One part of me is a Graduate School Student. I am now in my second year of taking up my MBA and I am truly enjoying it. I like all the learning experiences (literally), the discussions, the debates, the dilemma, and the breaks in between classes. Another role I actively (or so i think) play is being a friend. Like I mentioned before, I believe I am a very sociable person. I like being around people, seeing them, even just people-watching and reading their body gestures and what could any of those mean. I like meeting with my friends, having dinner with them, coffee, movies, karaoke, or even just hangin' out in their house and chat the whole day. I am also an employee. There's not much to say about that except that we all have to eat - so i also try to do my part in the employment economics of my country in the best way I know how. I also try my best in being a sensible big sister to my two other siblings. I don't exactly know how I am doing in that area. But i think i'm not doing so bad a job after all. So that's basically me - in six parts. I can sometimes be seven or eight - but playing one role is already too many. Well, that's what makes life looking forward to right?

Like Halo-Halo, life can only be exciting. It has a lot in store for us. There may be ingredients that does not suit our tastes, some we really really like, but at the end of the day - it's the whole package. Those stuff we didn't like if combined with the stuff we really liked wouldn't be so bad after all. Actually, sometimes, the whole Halo-Halo experience wouldn't have been better without the stuff we didn't like in there, correct? In this particular posting, Halo-halo is not just life in general, it's our individual selves - it's me in this particular matter. I am a big bowl of Halo-halo with six different sweet treats in there. It's just a matter of how much of each of the ingredients I want to have in this whole package. But for now, let's just enjoy and actually live life!